Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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