Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The best revenge is premature balding
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry about my life...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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