Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
