Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
