I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
