Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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