I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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