Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
