I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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