All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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