i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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