Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
