i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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