Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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