1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize