just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
