The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
"it" just moved
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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