So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am spending my child support on dildos
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We need to get me chipped asap
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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