it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
