The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
