someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
