haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
