Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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