3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
