Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
