I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
