bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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