I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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