I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
