So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
