Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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