why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
