I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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