really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
