in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just had sex on a roof
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
