I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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