Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
