i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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