I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
