So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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