I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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