in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
