my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
