just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
