I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
