Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
