why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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