I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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