tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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