You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
