Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
