dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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