I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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