I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
this is an emotional support booty call
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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