last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
