if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
