It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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