What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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